Cheap Labor

Cheap Labor (born July 27, 1986 as Michael Tschirhart) is a professional wrestler and former radio deejay. He is currently a member and the Television Title holder in Global Championship Wrestling (GCW).

Early Life (pre-wrestling)

(Excerpts from the unofficial biography of Cheap Labor, “Will Work For Food,” as originally released to Just Wrestling.)

Not even he can remember the real name that was hastily typed onto his birth certificate. That name, which had probably sounded beautiful and actually meant something to somebody, has since been buried under a life of lost opportunity, false promises, and white lies. It was evident from day one: this hopeless boy was destined for a name like Cheap Labor.

He came in the middle of the night. The sky was blacker than the current White House. His mother was popping a month early – preeclampsia and diabetes being the culprits of this premature “miracle.” Where were Wilford Brimley and Liberty Medical when these people needed them most?

The new family spent six days together in the hospital before shuttling home. Strangely, the parents had managed to overlook the need for infant bedding during this time. While the father was out searching for the cheapest crib he could find in the shortest time possible, the newborn rested safely in a bureau drawer. That is how Cheap Labor began his life: resting his head on his dad’s holey tube socks and being kept warm with skid marked boxer shorts.

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In elementary school, Little Labor wore bifocals. The frames for these glasses could’ve supported the rims of an Escalade. He was born with a terribly lazy eye and his mother constantly teased the young boy that it was an early sign that he would be an ardent masturbator when he grew to be a teenager. Then again, his mother said all sorts of silly things. While hanging laundry on the clothesline, Cheap Labor’s mother would also suspend her liver from the line so it could dry out. She drank so much Smirnoff vodka that Labor often wondered if she wasn’t an undercover KGB member straight from The Kremlin.

Cheap Labor was a bright kid but socially awkward. His less-than-stellar reputation started early. During a friendly belching contest at a school bake sale, C.L. regrettably used improper technique and proceeded to heave all over his shirt and the nearby baked goods. When returning to school the next day, his name had been changed to Chuck (short for up-chuck, of course). Kids can be so cruel. Upon further review, throwing up during a belching contest is a disqualification. Thus the pattern began: Cheap Labor’s competitive side reared its ugly head, lead to near historic embarrassment in the eyes of his peers, and would then haunt him for years to come.

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Puberty for Labor began when he was nine years young. He was spared the explosion of acne; in fact, he had always been a boy with very fair skin. He was also “spared” the epic changing of a man’s voice. To this day, Cheap Labor is often called “ma’am” on the telephone. His happy trail sprouted below his navel and grew, and grew, and grew. The first hairs on his chest emerged just as he was entering high school. By the time it came time to enter advanced physical education classes – the kind where the dudes change clothes in the locker room – Labor had a mane of chest hair unmatched by grandfathers or small mammals. As another unfortunate circumstance from his premature birth, he was also uncircumcised. Some things just stick with you forever and ever.

His hairy little elephant trunk led to even more hazing and nicknames by his peers, none of which can be tastefully repeated in the form of print.

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Throughout high school, his home situation remained unsettled. To speed up the process, we will paraphrase this volatile phase of life with a fictitious segment from the Maury Povich show.

Maury: Today on the show, we have Cheap Labor. Is that your real name?

CL: As far as I know.

Maury: Okay, then. And with you today are your mother, father, and… father?

CL: That’s right. The man to my right is my biological father. He’s a royal douche who never had the decency to marry my mom, or maybe he just wasn’t dumb enough to pull the trigger. The man to my left is my stepfather and he’s always been there for me.

Maury: So you’ve got your father who means nothing to you, a stepfather means everything to you, and then your mother. You all live in the same house?

CL: Correct.

Maury: Wow. That’s very interesting.

Pause for effect as audience members chattered briefly amongst themselves with hushed voices and raised eyebrows. Others scratched themselves in odd places on live television.

Maury: So… How often do you think your mom is getting gang-banged by your two dads?

As Labor’s eyes flew wide and began to well up with tears, the network speedily cut to commercial.

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As prophesied by his drunken mother and terribly lazy right eye, it was not long after this point that Cheap Labor became an ardent masturbator.

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The most recognizable trait about Cheap Labor was also his most self-destructive. George Washington could never tell a lie and Cheap Labor could never turn down a chance for recognition.

In his late teens, Labor took up an internship with a local radio station as a “stunt boy.” A stunt boy is a human refreshingly devoid of morals and then uses these lacks of morals to carry out unthinkably discomforting acts at the expense of others. Meanwhile, the deejays stay in the studio and riff on the whole thing.

To protect his identity, as a stunt boy is prone to being threatened for his antics, our main character was assigned the on-air name of Cheap Labor. The rest is history.

As a stunt boy, C.L. was best known for getting his ample chest hair groomed in front of a microphone. The most commonly used methods of hair removal included industrial duct tape and subsequent blood loss. He was also known for standing outside of a local women’s weight loss clinic with a scale, guessing the heifers’ weights, generally degrading them, and then awarding their fat asses with local restaurant gift cards if they were good sports about the whole ordeal. He was known for kissing carnival workers when the county fair came to town.

He did it all this for a little bit of radio swag and recognition. Free movie passes to the local cinema were sufficient. Free concert tickets or a too-big t-shirt from a band he’d never heard of it or sitting in on an interview with a famous guy. It was all good. It helped manifest some pride in young Labor.

Problem is… you can’t spend pride.

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He met her at a Motley Crue concert.

For all intents and purposes, this should have been a red flag. She was giggling hysterically to her big fat friend about the band’s drummer, Tommy Lee. Apparently, they had been getting crushed against the front stage rail while the drummer of The Crue used a handheld recorded for a band intermission known as “titty cam.” They had obediently lifted their shirts. That was all the convincing our young stud needed. Flaunting his official radio badge, Labor moved in as sleek as a fox and proceeded to strike up small talk. She lived nearby, surprisingly. They swapped information.

Gosh, she had such a beautifully tanned figure.

It was their third date before Cheap Labor realized she was a “Half-rican American.”

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He didn’t really care that his new Blackie Chan girlfriend may have been a gold digger or not. She was svelte, fit, and had a year-round tan. Cashing in on Labor’s radio swag, they went to another concert the next weekend. They rendezvoused at a mutual friend’s house after the show and proceeded to have pitiful sex on their friend’s billiards room floor.

They had only been dating for ten months when their baby was born.

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After two years of service, Cheap Labor finally asked the radio brass to get paid with actual currency because plunder didn’t buy diapers. The management chewed him up and spit him out. His radio career’s existence, unsurprisingly, ended suddenly and tragically.

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This series of unfortunate events brings us to present day. It begs the question: Why wrestling?

It’s Happy Gilmore syndrome. The shoe may not fit precisely but it’s a chance for money in an area that he is familiar with by association: getting his ass beat by his own volition. If he loses a match, he still collects a few dollars. If he wins a match, he collects a few more dollars. He needs the money to feed his kid. He needs to keep the woman happy – giving her an allowance so she can get her hair did and things like that. And, also, it feeds the primal necessity of a stunt boy. It doesn’t matter what you have to do to get there, just as long as people know who you are.

So goes the story of an attention whore known as Cheap Labor.

Just Wrestling

”What Next?” Tour (April 28 – May 26, 2009)

Cheap Labor made his wrestling with Just Wrestling mid-way through the federation’s “What Next?” tour. While his initial introduction garnered only mild interest, Labor quickly became a fan favorite after defeating federation mainstay Erik Magnum. By the end of Labor’s inaugural tour, he had won three consecutive matches and thus earned a shot at the Just Wrestling Championship.

What Next? Tour match history:
Won against Brock Alyas and Rick Malloy
Won against Erik Magnum
Won against Lance Spencer

Tour record: 3 – 0

Long Hot Summer Tour (July 12 – August 26, 2009)

Expectations were much greater for Labor's second tour with Just Wrestling. During this tour Cheap Labor would once again defeat Just Wrestling legend Erik Magnum, and would later go on to beat former Just Wrestling Champion Aaron Nothings. Labor would also experience his first defeat, failing to dethrone the unbeaten Violence Jack in a title defense, and also falling to Just Wrestling newcomers Jacob McKail and Terrence Kingsley. Midway through the tour it would be revealed that Labor’s wife had begun a petition for divorce.

Long Hot Summer Tour match history:
Won against Erik Magnum and Wrett Warren
Lost to Violence Jack in a Just Wrestling Championship match
Lost to Jacob McKail
Drew with Wrett and the Rowdy Boyz against Beau Archer, Brian Arson, and the Fudley Boyz
Won against Aaron Nothings
Lost to Terrence Kingsley

Tour record: 2 – 3 – 1

The Homecoming Tour (October 24 – November 28, 2009)

This would be Cheap Labor’s last tour with Just Wrestling. Labor was granted a Just Wrestling title shot against newly crowned champion Aaron Nothings due to a rulebook stipulation. The stipulation states: anyone whom had previously defeated the current title holder automatically earns a match against them. Labor would once again falter and fail to earn Just Wrestling gold.

The Homecoming Tour match history:
Lost to Aaron Nothings in a Just Wrestling Championship match

Tour record: 0 – 1

Global Championship Wrestling

To be added.